A Personal Story
I wanted to share a personal experience with you since starting on this journey of soulful dating and conscious relationships.
I had been practicing tantra consistently for approximately 9 months, when I met a man who I felt a very strong sexual connection with. It was moving fast, and looking back, too fast. I was swooning over him, felt anxious and nervous, and became slightly (ok very) obsessed with him (signs of a #classicredflag).
I invited him over to my place (Error #1) and despite the warning signs that we were both not ready to sleep together - I PERSISTED. The next day, I was really confused. The emotional connection from the first time we met, and the night before, was still there and yet - I wanted him to leave.
I could see the hurt on his face, and felt even more awful when he left, sobbing, feeling like I had lost love.
On reflection, I could see he elicited in me the following symptoms of the fatalistic ‘attraction of deprivation’:
- I felt a strong sexual connection to him which overtook my mind (and all “common” sense).
- I was fantasising about him to the EXTREME and became obsessed.
- I was in my head A LOT.
And a question kept coming up for me - was he attractive enough?
I believed, because I was sexually attracted to him, and that he was kind, generous and loving (all core qualities on my “manifesting a man” list), the hesitation in my mind and my gut wasn’t relevant.
But it WAS.
After talking to my coach, and reflecting how the whole thing had gone down I received the following insights:
I had unconsciously created a situation in which I felt abandoned because of this is FAMILIAR to me. Which is why it felt more awful after he had left, but also ‘normal’.
There were red flags that I chose to ignore. But through this experience, I realised I still fall for men who I judge as needing me to save them.
My desire to nurture men who have emotional/psychological stuff happening (distrust of women is a common theme) works to distract me from my own stuff, and so I still unconsciously seek this attachment out to create a situation in which I am in control of the relationship - because I am still learning to surrender to love.
Boundaries! I’ve set a time limit on how long I feel I need to get to know someone before they sleep in my bed. It’s not something I will share straight away with a potential partner, but I know that the right person will wait.
I know I will slip up. And know that you will too. You may, despite your best intentions, sleep with someone before you are ready, or think you love someone, and the next day change your mind.
BUT YOU ARE WORTHY
AND YOU ARE IMPORTANT
AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE GOOD ENOUGH.
All we can do is try to
- Notice when these patterns play out
- Stop before you “go there”
- Forgive. Forgive yourself, forgive others.
- Accept the reflection, and wherever you are on your journey.
Forgive and accept yourself for every single mistake you make on your dating journey, or in your relationship.
And while I advocate for reflecting on these types of interactions, I want to reiterate that in order to move through them, we still need to feel these emotions in the body.
Sending so much love and support to you during this time. Dating is a constant revealing, learning to be vulnerable over and over again with multiple different types of people, so be gentle with yourself. And if you want to learn more about conscious dating, check out the guide I created specifically for this purpose.