LENA MACKEY

This website will serve as a platform for creative writing, blogging and eventually, for advertising my business.

  • ABOUT
  • BLOG
  • Videos
  • Free Resources
  • COACHING
  • COURSES
  • CONTACT
Lena-322.jpg

How I got to where I am

October 24, 2018 by Lena Mackey

When I began dating again this year, I did the ‘normal’ thing and tried online dating apps for a while. I read articles to find out how to know when you’re in love (embarrassing, I know) and listened to podcasts on how to manifest your man, eagerly sharing with my other single friends.

All the options for meeting men seemed limited to Tinder, speed dating and yelling at each other in overcrowded bars, and I spent more time trying to lock in dates and messaging people than I did actually dating men. 

And the dating advice I was being exposed to seemed counter intuitive to what I actually wanted, which was a deep, intimate connection.

Should I date one man, or keep my options open?

Play it cool and hard to get, or tell them how I really feel?

Give him a chance, or end it if I don’t feel a spark on the first date?

So I started to blog about my experience #tinderellaturnscarriebradshaw…

During this time I was also beginning to explore tantra, embodiment and play in the realms of manifestation. I wrote down all the qualities (physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual) that said man would have, meditated on the vision of how we would meet, what he would look like and how I would feel.

And then, strange things began to happen. Every man whom I would feel a physical attraction to turned out to be unavailable, either physically located somewhere else or emotionally attached to someone else.

AND the men who were attracted to me met many of the qualities on my ‘check list’ but were not quite what I was looking for (go figure!) So I refined my check list and started again with little reflection or thoughts on the matter (except he bloody better hurry up)! 

However, after months of dating like this and not finding what I was looking for, I started to look inwards and notice the energy I was putting out there when these men entered my life.

When I could see my role in who I was attracting, I started taking responsibility for my own energy.

When we long for another, it means our hearts are open enough to feel the pain of loneliness, as well as the joy of being in intimate communion with another. As I started to (slowly, painfully) accept this yearning for deeper connection and feel into my feminine desire for intimacy, not only was the response I got from men noticeably different, the types of men I was also attracted to began to shift. 

My experiences with dating in last year has taught me more about myself, and what I want in a relationship (and generally, in my life) than any book, podcast or article I have consumed (and trust me, I’ve tried it ALL).

Here is what I know to be true

Who we are attracted to is a direct reflection of our own self-worth

How we feel about ourselves is always being reflected back to us through our relationships and the people we are dating. I’ve written a lot about attraction to people who are physically or emotionally unavailable before, because in my experience no relationship is a waste of time, there is gold hidden amongst every heart ache and every love lost. We accept the love we unconsciously believe we deserve, so if you keep attracting people who are unavailable, it is likely there is a fear of intimacy underneath the apparent desire for a deep connection. Because our attractions are often completely unconscious, the first step to unlearning this is through awareness of how these attractions feel in the body. 

Opposites Attract 

In relationships, opposites really do attract. The love avoider/love addict dynamic I discuss in detail here occurs because we have learned to unconsciously create drama in our relationships to distract ourselves from feeling or deepest fears (and desires) in the body. Many relationships I see and help clients with are extremely polarised - one minute they are in love, and the next they are in the depths of despair, ready to break it off, can’t stand each other. 

Because we have not been shown how to process emotion through the body, arguments are fought through the mind and someone always has to be ‘right’. However, arguments are most often a sign of a connection deepening, the argument a product of fear which results from feeling more vulnerable. Our mind doesn’t know what is good and bad, but only what is uncomfortable and what is comfortable. When we can start to feel this fear of deeper intimacy in our body, and learn to take some space instead of fighting about surface level topics, arguments and fights can refocussed to deepen a connection rather than sever it.

Learning to surrender and show your vulnerability is your most potent source for creating intimacy

Maintaining the ‘spark’ comes down to surrendering to our core sexual essence. Women today have been sold the story that their career, financial success and security is MORE IMPORTANT than their relationships. However, if you have a feminine sexual essence, then this will never completely fulfil you.

For many of us, being in our authentic feminine doesn't feel safe. How many times have you been told you are ‘too emotional’, or ‘too irrational’ or ‘not logical’? Feminine qualities in men and women (being nurturing, good listeners, emotional intelligence) are not revered or respected to the same degree as the ability to perform and embody masculine traits (i.e. being rational, logical, and ambitious). As a result, we have lost this connection to our true, authentic power as women, which we need to keep the juice of intimate relationships alive. To attract a person with the opposite sexual essence to you - in this case, someone with a masculine essence - we must learn to lean into, and embody our femininity while we are dating and with our partner.

If you are you ready to let go of damaging patterns blocking you from love and better understand who you are attracting and why, grab a copy of my Conscious Dating and Relationships Guide using the form below.

October 24, 2018 /Lena Mackey
  • Newer
  • Older

Grab your free Conscious Dating and Relationships Guide

By entering your details you are signing up for exclusive offers and monthly updates.

Thank you!
I’ll take fresh tomatoes over flowers any day 🍅 #lovelybunchoftomatoes
I’m really interested in the concept of needing to feel safe and how this plays out in our relationships. As infants and children, love is imperative to our survival – so love and safety go hand in hand. If we ever perceived this love to be conditional, or experienced trauma as a child, then love will be bound up in our ability feel safe and we will have expectations on our partner to provide this for us.
.
Since I first began dating, I felt I needed a label that signified a level of commitment to the external world. In essence, I desired safety in the form of a label which set the precedence and of the relationship – yes, I choose to only be intimate and desire you, and I commit to love and show up for you. So I’d start from the age old question: “So, what exactly are we?”
.
The thing is, commitment on a superficial level doesn’t mean much to me anymore. What I feel now is a safety within myself, and a level of internal commitment that however I change and evolve, I will always wholeheartedly do the internal work to love and accept this person. My needs and desires are mine, and my responsibility to provide. And they are more important that anyone else’s. .
When I encounter the need to define a relationship, I feel into the energy that exists between us – where do I feel his commitment to me? How does he show up for me? Where in my body do I feel the love between us? How do I show up for him? Once I have done this, I express how I feel, and allow the subsequent dialogue between us to shape the terms of the relationship.
.
The commitment we apply to our own growth is reflected in the depth of commitment that shows up in our relationships. Make a commitment to yourself and start to notice who shows up for you. It might not be what you want, but it will always be exactly what you need 💕
.
📷 @clementsandthefox
What does it mean to be spiritual?

I’ve recently been leaning into the concept of spirituality and consciousness as more than just a deeper awareness of self. It’s more than embodiment, reclaiming feminine power, being vegan and smudging sage.

If we are not then taking this awareness a step further and choosing to see our reflection in all the injustice occurring in the world, then it’s not far enough.

I’ve spent the last year in a cocoon. I don’t have a TV, and I don’t watch or read the news. I am also aware that this is only possible due to the privilege afforded to me because of my class, race and nationality.

So whilst spreading my message about embodiment as a pathway to a deeper understanding of self, I will also be posting more about the social justice issues I feel strongly about. I am not perfect, and I have many biases that need unravelling. I will stumble and make assumptions that are unfounded. But for me - it’s not an either or argument.

I haven’t posted about social justice issues out of fear it will be deemed too negative. I fear judgement from my peers just as much as the next person. I want to create heaven on earth, and be all love and light, but this is not the reality for many people. And by not saying anything, or making an effort to understand and create awareness, and support the people working hard on the front line to really shift this reality, it’s a cop out to let our fear get in the way. 
This weekend many people will be celebrating Australia Day - and so they should. This is a beautiful, abundant country which many people are privileged to call this home. And I am not sure I want the day to change due to the debate it inspires around changing the date. 
I’m not going to rattle off statistics about the continuing impacts of colonisation, but I am going to acknowledge that the continuing trauma experienced by First Australians will continue to show up in our awareness if we do not start owning our history as a nation. And if that means the 26th becomes a day or mourning, rather than celebration then so be it. [CONTINUED IN COMMENTS]
2009 - 2019 [SWIPE LEFT]
.
Same face. 
Same hairstyle. 
Same heart, hopes and dreams 💕
In the past I would feel increasing anxiety leading up to the "are we exclusive" conversation, followed by either a ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
- sigh of relief at the mutually agreed sexual exclusivity and overnight 'girlfriend' status bestowed on me. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
- my mind spiralling into stories about what this 'said' about me, triggering abandonment, self loathing and a fear of saying how I felt every again.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
But why? Why is it comforting to know there is an agreement which means "I will not engage sexually with anyone except you", and how long does this last for before anxiety creeps in again regarding another issue (them not texting back, not wanting to see us at the precise moment in time we want to see them)? ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
In my latest post I ponder this tendency I have felt to seek safety in relationships, and how it can lead to unhealthy co-dependency if its done without awareness. Link in my bio
I found a photo of myself from eighteen months ago, when I was waking up at 4.30am, five days a week and had the beginnings of a six pack. There I was, picturing my life and remembering how unhappy I was compared to now and yet, the lingering feeling in the back of my mind was slightly remorseful I had not kept up with this.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I find the 'fit girl' ideal just as problematic as other trends we see projected on to womens' bodies. The ballerina/dancer ideal, 'skeletor of vogue, our obsession with big asses are all just random standards used to make us feel inadequate so we consume more STUFF.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Disclaimer: I don't work out. I eat a plant based diet with gluten, dairy and some meat. I move my body in ways which allow it to thrive - cycling, yoga, and if I'm feeling really energetic, I might go on the (very) occasional run. And I'm not blessed with a 'fast metabolism'. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
But everyday I 'workout' my emotional body by gently witnessing and holding space for whatever emotions are there. Sometimes, they need clearing, sometimes they need to be felt. So - give it a go. Try working out your 'emotional body' and see what happens - ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
- Put on a track of your choice - preferably instrumental, with minimal lyrics.
- Sit down and breathe into the belly, slowly exhaling out the mouth with sound
- Place your hand on your heart, and rock your hips back and forth or in circles. Feel whatever is there.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
If you feel numbness, sadness, grief, pain, anger, focus on that. Express how you are feeling with a sound, and when thoughts come in (which they inevitably will), gently let them go and come back to the breath. After this, I look in the mirror and smile at myself, look at my body, and thank her. For all that I she allows me to do, and be.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Any practice done everyday will have a profound impact on your life and this one, well - try it for yourself
When people used to talk about listening to their heart, I struggled. The messages coming from my body were muffled by the booming voice in my head, scared and anxious to disappoint or hurt someone. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Now, every morning I listen to her. What does she want to do? Run? Walk? Swim? Sleep in? Cacao? Journal? Self Practice?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
What has helped was working out physically where I feel the direction of the message (above = head, below = heart). Then, its learning to decipher the heart's message - first starting with simple yes/no questions, and then either/or questions.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
In one year, I've done a 180 degree turn back towards her. Before every decision, date, meal, sexual experience, response to a conversation, email, text message, she has something to say
In 2018 I grew up. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I learnt to stop blaming all the people around me, and I learnt to stop taking responsibility for stuff which wasn't mine.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Owning a house, having a job (or a business) and raising kids may require responsibility and adulty-action, but do not in themselves usher you into adulthood. For me, being an adult is learning to ask for help and support. Its creating connections from the heart, not just from the intellect. Its learning to love our hypocrisies, and the hypocrisies in others. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
It is seeing past the noise of what we should want, and learning to trust the voice that was shushed as a child again. And most of all, its learning to decipher what was meant for me in order to learn, go deeper, and love more fully
How well do people listen to you?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Do you feel heard and understood? Or are people appear disinterested when you talk?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
What do you listen for? ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
If you want your someone to 'hold space' and 'be present' for you, learn to hold space for yourself. The depth to which people hold space for you is a direct reflection of how you interact with yourself, others and the world around you. So how can we start to become better listeners, and therefore better communicators?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Sit in stillness and watch your thoughts. Get curious about where your mind goes, and when you notice yourself getting into a story or negative mind loop, come back to the breath.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Look in the mirror, and tell yourself what you need to hear. The mind doesn't comprehend the difference between a reflection and a real person, it works the same way to comfort us.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Rather than listening to agree or disagree with the person in front of you, listen to understand. Hang off their every word as if it is the most profound thing anyone has every said to you. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Listening is often the missing part of communication - we're happy to say our piece, but are often reluctant to hear a response or reflection. In my six week course, I'll be sharing more practices on conscious communication in relationships, the opportunities available to us when we fight with our partner and how to hold space and presence for ourselves. Link in my bio