Let me guess what brought you here…
You have been on 'the path' for a while. Focusing on yourself, finding your purpose and learning to be content alone. But now you are looking for ‘the one'.
You feel the longing in your heart, and you know what you want in a relationship.
But this is not going to be just any relationship. You have spent time healing, breaking down the shells that were blocking you from finding ‘true’ love. This relationship is going to be different.
I hear a lot women saying they want a 'conscious man'. And if I’m honest, this is also what I want. But what EXACTLY is a conscious man? And what would a relationship with this person, hypothetically, look like?
The definition of a conscious man according to the Lena Mackey Dictionary is
A man who straddles the boundary between old fashioned chauvinism and modern day equality. For example, he will often pay for dinner, hold the door open for you and buy you flowers. However, he does not expect you to have intercourse with him. He's self aware, open hearted, and not scared of commitment. He can "hold space" and is driven by his purpose. He meditates, does yoga and tantra, is emotionally intelligent, kind, generous and wants to get married and buy a dog with you. Looks wise, he has a man bun, beard or tattoos (or a combination of all three).
Women: What I have just described is not a real person. He's an enigma. A 2D superficial expectation of a partner.
Of course, its ok (and recommended!) to be with someone who is kind, generous and has particular attractive qualities. And, it is also ok to have a 'type'.
But when we start to idealise the perfect relationship as the filler of all voids in our life, we fail to see where we are not meeting ourselves.
So if you say you want a conscious man - know what you are getting into because
He will call you out on your sh*t.
He's spiritual, self aware and emotionally intelligent (sigh), yes. But if he is #woke he will also call you out on your sh*t. He has firm boundaries, and not likely to compromise on what is important to him. He will see through your games and manipulations, and he will challenge the way you see the world (which can be annoying AF).
Any person, man or woman, who has a stronger feminine essence is naturally more in tune with their emotions than someone with a stronger masculine essence.
In the past, I would feel spiritually superior to people in my life because I identified as being empathic and emotionally intelligent. In relationships, my ability to tune in to other people’s emotions also made it easier to manipulate them to get what I wanted.
However, if you want a man who is emotionally intelligent, know that he will not rely on you to 'interpret' his emotions because he is already aware of them.
He will intimidate the f**k out of you.
In many ways, liking, dating, or trying to date someone who is unavailable is safe. There is no need to be open or vulnerable because they are unavailable - the connection will only go so deep before it hits a road block. If you tend to chase, or fall into a pattern of trying to convince someone you are worthy of them, it is likely that when you do meet this 'conscious man' you will run for the hills. Why?
Because pure loving presence is confronting IF we have not learnt how to hold space for ourselves.
His pure attention and ability to “hold space” that you say that you want will probably feel 'wrong' and unfamiliar at first. You might brush them off as 'too intense' for you because the intensity of their attention is different than what you are used to. If your partner, or anyone in your life, is not giving you the presence you want and need this is a MIRROR showing you where you are not holding space and being present with yourself.
So while you say you want a conscious man, his boundaries, self awareness and loving presence will likely feel intense, but in a different way than the heart pounding, can't-live-without-you intensity of lustful attractions.
He won’t always put you first (and you don’t actually want him to)
David Deida discusses in his book The Way of the Superior Man that the most important thing to the masculine (in men and women) is their purpose, while the most important thing in life for the feminine (in men and women) is the flow of love (i.e. relationships).
While all people can learn to tap into and embody both energies, if you have a stronger feminine essence, then you are likely to be attracted to a person with stronger masculine essence; and vice versa.
A simple way to discover which essence you embody easiest is this - if you have a stronger preference for romantic dramas and comedies, then you probably have a stronger feminine essence. If you prefer ‘personal quest’ adventure films where the protagonist must overcome obstacles to be free (or create freedom for others) you likely have a stronger masculine essence.
So if you want a man driven by purpose (which firstly, might not be your idea of purpose just sayin’), he might not always be available for you. It might require him to travel, or simply be alone. What comes first for a person with a masculine essence is his purpose, and the right woman for him will always understand that.
He doesn't need you, he wants you.
Because he has "done the work" and knows he doesn't need a woman to 'complete' him, the quality of the relationship will feel different. He won't stand for the drama that plagues a lot of relationships, and so the attraction may not immediately feel like the heart thumping, soul aching, dramatic love you are used to.
A relationship where both people are committed to mutual growth and feeling whole is going to feel different than one where both partners feel like they can't live without each other (i.e. codependent). It is likely to feel calmer and perhaps more ‘boring’ because there won’t be drama to distract you from who you are.
If you are lucky enough to find yourself in a conscious relationship, then keep opening. Keep diving feet first, and trusting the relationship will last if it is meant to. If this is something you are hoping to create some day, then the same applies. Keep going inward and trusting that whomever is showing up in your life is a direct reflection of you in some way. See them, and see yourself in them.
In my Conscious Dating and Relationships Guide, I dive deep into how we can tune into our bodies and out of the mind in order to see our reflections, understand our attractions and create deeper, magical relationships through self-responsibility and conscious awareness. Grab yours free when you sign up to my mailing list, along with exclusive offers, first access to blog posts and discounts on upcoming events.