What the fuck is going on with dating, sex and relationships

Why we are told to wait for relationships to just 'happen' and are then completely unprepared when they come along?

And why is it that people say “stop looking, the right one will come along when you least expect it” when we are taught in other areas of our lives that If I want something, we should research it and know how to get it, like you do with your career, buying your first house or going on a holiday?

The 'collective story of romantic love' to leave (what is perceived to be) the most significant event in our lives up to fate/the universe/GOD/Source, but to tirelessly pursue our career, and work hard for all the other things we want in this lifetime.

I recently decided, after being single for a while, that it was time to try the dating game again. So I did what all the kids are doing and created a Tinder account for myself.

My other single friends told me 'its how everyone meets these days' and  'How would anyone even KNOW you’re single if you're not on Tinder?' (*facepalm* - talk to them?).

After less than a week of swiping, matching and hours of messaging random single men within a 20km radius, I was D-O-N-E.

This new dating paradigm, characterised by Tinder and our general attitude to romantic love was recently labelled 'romantic consumerism' by Piers Newton-John. 'Romantic Consumerism' combines the idea romantic love (the culmination of unrealistic expectations we attach to the  being in love that is reinforced through the broader collective story in films, books and the media) and our attitude of disposability and consumerism that permeates every aspect of our life.

With the advent of Tinder we can swipe now right without risk of rejection. Coupled with this phenomenon is the concept that relationships are just another thing we need to have or find once we get to a particular stage in life. And once we are done, can just be disposed of easily

But people are not possessions, and relationships are not something you can ever have. Despite our best efforts to make them tangible with photos, keepsakes, presents, rings, marriage certificates, relationships (not just romantic ones) exist as an energy between two people. 

Ester Perel writes that 'we seek in romantic love what we used to look for in religion - transcendence, meaning, belonging and ecstasy.'

Once upon a time, marriage was a financial transaction (and in some countries - SHOCK HORROR - it still is). Women were traded for sheep, goats, small goods, and the purpose was quite simple - divide and multiply.

Today we expect that romantic relationships will fulfil our every need - not only are lovers expected to be your best friend, but incredible in bed, a loving parent to your children and partner in life who will continuously supports you in all that you do.

Caveat #1: There is absolutely nothing wrong with yearning for a romantic relationship. Humans are hardwired for connection, and it is not a sign of weakness to crave romance, love and intimacy with someone.

However: the only person that can really give you all of that - is you.

When I was in the process of ending my last relationship, I googled ‘how to know when its time to break up with someone’ and ‘ how to know when you are in love’ as well as ‘how to break up with someone’, hoping to get a different answer to the one I intrinsically knew.

I still feel completely unprepared for romantic relationships. Dating today is immensely complex, lacks vulnerability and compassion and is a direct result of being up in our heads all day.

BUT THIS IS NOT A HEAD GAME (or a game, period.)

Personally, I don’t think you can ever be prepared for a relationship whether it is just beginning or ending. It’s a day-by-day process of continuously learning not just about the other person, but mostly about yourself.

All relationships come into and out of our lives to teach us a lesson. Intentionally or unintentionally, because of previous emotional patterns of attachment, we have all attracted/manifested/created EVERY single experience in our life.

So the only way to be prepared for the relationship is by getting real with what you want.

And raising your vibration.

Caveat # 2: I truly believe from the bottom of my heart that everyone is divinely perfect just as they are. So when I say 'raising your vibration' I DO NOT MEAN you suddenly rise 'above all the shit'. What I mean is: if you are continuously being a negative Nancy, but desire positive, loving relationships, then I guarantee that even if this person came along, you wouldn't recognise them if they slapped you in the face (metaphorically - a positive, loving person wouldn't do that, obvs).

So how do you raise your vibration?

This will look different for everyone. For some, it will mean slight tweaks and for others, it will be a total mother-fucking spring clean on your spiritual, emotional, physical and mental energy. I cannot tell you how, but you will know by the way you feel. Because we accept the love we think we deserve, with each passing day this could look different.

Love is not up to fate, but a skill that is learnt and practiced throughout your life. No one person is an expert in love, because it is our divine purpose to re-remember that WE ARE LOVE. And practicing love is not always easy, especially when people are ignorant fucking pricks (#nojudgementtho).

For all of those single peeps out there, whether you are looking or not, accept that this is where you are at. I'm not going to tell you to stop looking for 'the one' or to start being #grateful for your singlehood because it can be fucking lonely at times (and in all truth, just bloody inconvenient!)

But by working on creating the energy you want to attract (by starting with you), I GUARANTEE 'they' will waltz into your life when you are least expecting it ;)