Falling in Love with Potential
In this video I talk about why we fall in love with potential, what to look out for and how we can bring awareness to when we do this.
When I refer to falling for potential, I mean that instead of seeing the person sitting across from us for who they are, we start to imagine who they could be if they just fixed this or that about themselves.
This tends to happen from a compassionate place of wanting to help others. Particularly as a coach, involved in other people’s self development as well as my own, I still find I fall into this tendency.
However, what I have noticed is that it usually comes out when I am feeling vulnerable. When we have someone else that we are trying to ‘fix’, consciously or unconsciously, we can focus all our attention on them and never have to deal with our own stuff.
I've found that this happens to me when I’m going through a lot of change and transformation because it is human nature to think that our way is the best way. The problem with falling in love with potential is that we're basically telling the other person that they're not good enough for us, and that they need to change in order to be with us. We can go through whole relationships thinking that if our partner just did this, THEN they would be perfect.
So, you've got three choices:
You can fully accept them exactly as they are, right now.
You can try and change them (which probably won't work because people automatically resist other people trying to change them)
You can leave.
When we're dating, we can get caught up in the story of this person could be rather than who they are. Say you find them attractive, there's a connection, and they make you laugh. But there's something about them that doesn’t fit in with the perfect picture of your partner. So you start imagining that with time, the more they hang out with you, the more they might like this and that. Perhaps they will get a different job, or pursue their passion. Then they will be perfect.
When you start thinking of ways they could be improved, then you're probably falling for who they could be rather than who they are. When this happens, come back to the present moment and just look at your partner, or the person in front of you.
What is the feeling in your body?
What are their endearing qualities?
What are you being triggered by?
See them as a reflection of you. Anything which triggers anger, frustration, sadness, jealousy or any other strong emotion is revealing a part of who you are which you may be in denial of.
I hope this is helpful. Have you grabbed a copy of my Conscious Dating and Relationships Guide? In there I discuss why we are attracted to particular 'types' of people, how we can start to become aware of these patterns and dating tips to help you see the person for who they are (and not for who you wish they were!) <3