thinking of you

please know, my love
that my heart yearns for yours
when I push you away
it is because I haven’t known this fullness of feeling
before I met you
so it will take me time to get used to

your touch makes me irk and spasm with tingly delight
part pain part pleasure
like a thousand small jellyfish
softly caressing my body
as I float out into the turbulent ocean
barely staying afloat

I saw your yearning, as you did mine
your hard exterior gave nothing away
except when I looked at you
I saw the world in your brown eyes
pleading with my soul to open to yours
and thus give you permission to take me

I want to thankyou for respecting the fence I had built around my heart
which I chose to ignore with fierce feminist independence
pretending I knew what was good for me
but you knew better than to go through the gate I had left wide open
that it wasn’t our time
because I needed more than you could give

I cannot understand when
my simultaneous fear of deep love and abandonment will be will provoked
like a dog with a bone it is unwilling to let go
love isn’t the absence of pain
it is knowing it exists in tandem with all other emotions
a daily practice of faith in the unknown
and noticing the beauty in that which repulses you

I want you to know that I love you
but your love does not define
the love I have for myself

I will continue to open to you
and hope that you open in return
if you choose not to
(because we always have the choice)
I will continue to expand
until I am nothing but love
which is everything
and nothing
at the same time