Deepening Sexual Connection
Often monogamous relationships instigate this belief that we have “sex on tap” so we no longer make the time for self pleasure. This has never been a reality in any of my relationships, and not because we were not having sex often, but because self pleasure and masturbation is crucial for staying ‘turned on’ and feeling sexually alive. When I naturally felt the urge and my partner wasn’t around, I didn't wait for them but chose to expend that energy on my own pleasure!
The extent to which you're connecting with yourself sexually is the extent to which you're going to connect sexually with another person.
When we rely exclusively on our partner to help get us in the mood, it becomes an expectation and a dependency. The only person responsible for your pleasure is you!
So here are my tips for those of you in committed relationships wanting to remain monogamous and deepen your sexual connection:
Dedicate more time to self-pleasure.
This doesn't necessarily have to be when you're alone, you can include your partner in this too. Then you can show them what turns you on, and get both of you in the mood!
Create a sacred space.
The other thing that can happen in long-term relationships is sex doesn’t remain a priority. We expect to have the same hunger for each other, without any effort. One thing I like to do is to create a ritual out of sex (and self pleasure time!).
People with a stronger feminine essence, generally women, tend to be very aware of their environment so anything which adds sensuality and helps get you into the mood is highly encouraged. Think candles, soft lighting beautiful fabrics like silk or satin, fresh bed sheets and music. But it can be as simple as lighting a candle - make it simple, and elaborate when you have more time.
The other thing that helps to deepen intimacy is eye gazing before sex. This is a really beautiful way to ease into the sexual act, and helps make sex sacred rather than just a way to get off. Emotions might start to come up, and if they do, just let them be there. Vulnerability, both as the witnesser and the experiencer is the fastest way to feel connected to your partner from an authentic place.
Take your time
Many of us have been taught to believe foreplay is something which exists before the big finale. But when we bring awareness to every touch and sensation, it all becomes sex. If you start to get in your head, and addicted to the idea of wanting to orgasm, bring yourself back to your breath fully inhaling and expanding the belly, and exhaling with sound.
Alternate between the giver and receiver
These two roles often get mixed and no one is sure who is supposed to be giving and who is receiving. A beautiful way to start deepening intimacy is to offer your partner touch that you like – perhaps a foot massage or a head massage. When you give this to them, give without attachment to receiving something in return. Enjoy seeing them in pleasure, and when you feel its time to stop, then do so.
And when it is your turn to receive, perhaps another time, fully allow yourself to receive and show your partner you are enjoying it (and guide them to something else if you are not).
Talk about your sexual fantasies
Sexual fantasies are often riddled with shame at not being ‘normal’ but when we keep them too ourselves, or they remain in the unconscious, these fantasies can become ‘leaky. You might know people who have ‘leaky’ sexual energy, who might be perceived as creepy - this is because they are not aware of, or have shame around their sexual fantasies, but when they are in the moment these resurface and can be perceived as creepy.
Just because you talk about your fantasies with your partner, does not mean you have to act upon them. Honour your boundaries and don’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing.
Simply having an open dialogue about them creates deeper intimacy in a relationship because it requires vulnerability from both parties. To share a sexual fantasy that may be considered shameful, as well as receiving someone else's fantasy with openness, requires vulnerability And who knows where it might lead…
Most importantly, the deeper you connect with yourself on a daily basis, the deeper you can go with someone else. Anything that's happening in your relationship with your partner is a reflection of your internal world, so get curious about that and seek support if you need.
I hope you liked the video. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments, and if you want to hear more on this topic or if there was something I didn't quite cover then please let me know. You can also grab your copy of my conscious dating and relationships guide, full of resources for deepening connection in relationships, understanding your attraction and conscious communication practices.