Why Tinder is not the problem
People tend to blame technology for the way that the dating scene has shifted so drastically in the last decade. But technology was created by people - so at the core of the issue, Tinder is exasperating a deeper issue which is that human beings have lost connection with what they truely desire.
We are all living so much of our lives in our minds, and social media assists with this by being an extremely addictive alternative to true human connection.
So naturally, if we have always used social media as a way to distract us from what we are feeling - boredom, loneliness, grief - we bring this disposition into our search for a partner.
Think about it this way – when we are meeting someone for a date, we tend to put in some effort to our appearance. At the bare minimum we would probably have a shower. You would never go on a (first) date with someone with greasy hair, un-showered, in your pyjamas after a bottle of wine and half a block of chocolate. But this is what people is happening!
Instead of feeling our best when we meet someone for the first time, we swipe for matches when we are bored, feeling alone, tired, rejected and unloveable.
I don’t think anything has changed about what people desire.
But technology has cheapened the way we are interacting with potential partners, making it easy to reject others without consequences.
The swiping interface of these apps has turned dating into an online shop of potential partners, whom we unconsciously measure against each other based on superficial markers of attraction. They make it easy for us to feel attractive, but difficult to feel any sense of deeper connection or ‘love’ for another person.
So in my mind, you have two options:
Option One: Get off the apps. Spend time in your favourite places, with your favourite people, and forget about them.
Option Two: Use dating apps as a way to meet diverse types of people whom you would never normally meet if you only hung out at your favourite places. Use your biography to filter out people who do not want what you want by being up front and honest about what you are looking for.
And when you do meet up with someone, meet them where they are at.
They might not be ‘the one’ but they always have something to show you, which will bring your deeper into yourself and what you desire in partnership.
If you are curious to know more about your own attractions and how these might be blocking you from creating a loving, blissful relationship grab your copy of my Conscious Dating and Relationships Guide, where I go into these topics in more detail <3