New Years Eve 2017: Still nursing a broken heart from a year of profound loss, immense personal challenges and unbearable sorrow, and a mere six weeks since ending a relationship, I experienced what it was to "fall" in love.
The pull towards him was so magnetic that that it was as if together we repelled the world with the universe created between us. Not only did he live interstate, he was also on reflection, emotionally unavailable making the attraction I felt to him, and possibly that he felt towards me, extremely intense.
Before we knew it we were saying goodbye, making no promises except to think of each other. And for four months, I was COMPLETELY obsessed with the idea of him. Every time I got a message from him, it would light me up, and I would be smiling for hours.
The drama that accompanied the constant questioning "does he like me?" "is he interested?" "does he have a girlfriend" was enough to keep me interested, and my mind in a constant state of anxiety over his feelings for me.
I believe this goes a little deeper than the idea that human beings 'want what we can't have'. The people we attract into our life are a direct reflection of our own unconscious beliefs about ourselves.
When we realise the people for whom we feel the strongest emotional attachment to, whether that be love or anger or hate, are showing us something about ourselves, we can bring it into consciousness and start to heal.
And woah was he reflecting some MAJOR sh*t back at me!
My happiness and contentment became dependent on someone who I barely knew, and whom I was completely under an illusion of love. The problem with this is - I could not control how he felt about me.
We talked over the phone and messaged occasionally, until the idea was thrown around that I could come visit him. And I knew I had to go.
By the time I arrived, communication between us had started to dwindle. I deluded myself into thinking that he was just afraid, and that once I got there, he would remember how he felt about me.
When we saw each other again, I felt sick with nervous excitement. The tension was so thick, I could almost swallow it whole. It was this tension that I believed was love. The butterflies only confirmed this. The fact he was distant, uncommunicative, unavailable, didn't matter - it just made it more exciting.
We spent the day mostly in silence walking through the national park with intermittent conversations that skirted around the elephant in the room -
How do you feel about me?
What is going on here?
Do you love me?
I had become identified with the idea of us together because I had never felt this way about anyone before. While it was exciting and punch-in-the-guts kind of love, it was also fraught with anxiety, desperation and need for him to fill a void.
When it became clear I had been obsessing over someone who frankly, did not show any signs that he gave a shit about me, I was at first sad, and then fucking angry.
It would have been easier to deflect or blame him for not showing up, for being closed off and unavailable.
But when I eventually had the emotional stamina to get curious, I could see he was reflecting my own emotional unavailability and feelings of my own unworthiness.
The purpose of the trip was never to show him I was loveable and worthy, but to realise that I already WAS pure love, and SO WORTHY. And this - know one is ever going to be able to take away from me.
I felt the fear of bearing my soul to someone, at the risk of losing integrity. Would I do it again? Yes.
Because I realised that all that I had been seeking was already here.
When our relationship patterns are unconscious, we continue to attract what is familiar to us, rather than what we really want and need.
So for now, I am re-learning to be my own best lover, trying to give myself exactly what I NEED (which is, sadly, not what I always want) and trusting that each person I meet is providing a reflection, and it is up to me to make the choice as to whether I see it or not.