Before I met my previous partner, I was using dating apps (we didn’t officially meet online, but we did reconnect through Tinder), and I have been on and off them since our separation last year. Recently I have noticed two related energetic experiences using Tinder, one being a feeling of complacency, and the other is anxiety resulting from a ‘scarcity’ mindset.
I hear quite often from the women I talk to that ‘all the good men are taken’, and myself have thought this as well. So when we come across someone really hot or 'exactly our type', we can go into a bit of a frenzy thinking he must have a million matches, look at that smile, he is so attractive! Wow and he’s a [insert sexiest job description], clearly hilarious and SO FUNNY obviously a family man, all those dogs and kids in his photos (stirring that maternal instinct to procreate in you) while also cracking a few beers with “wow surprisingly attractive friends” maybe they are available if he is already taken…AMIRIGHT? Its exhausting!
When we use dating apps from this scarcity mindset, we start to BELIEVE the story created by the mind that there are no good men or women out there. And this perpetuates in our reality - the more we think this, consciously or unconsciously, the people with the qualities we are looking for, in real life or online, do not come into our awareness because we are unconsciously believing the opposite.
However, there is also another more subversive thing I have noticed about using dating apps. When we swipe out of boredom or “for the matches”, the overwhelming choice of potential partners and consumeristic swiping technology creates a complacency, and belief in the ‘abundance’ of suitable partners.
When we swipe out of boredom, or loneliness, or some other emotion we are trying not to feel, we are not really there looking at people. We become superficial, swiping left because of a bad photo are are disconnected from the truth in our bodies. And because of all our ‘matches’ we get complacent. It becomes a competitive process, one in which potential partners are compared to each other in a highly biased and non stringent way based on the most obscure, often unconscious things.
When we only go off someone’s bio, we are limited by what that person looks and says in a very structured, presentation best foot forward way. So while it feels like there is a lot of choice, many of them will not be as much of an energetic or emotional match for you - its just how it goes. If you met in a bar, these are the people who you wouldn’t even SEE or notice because of their energy, or the way their voice sounds, or their body language. But online, we can present the best, most palatable and superficial version of ourselves.
So instead of following our intuition, we choose to follow the oldest, worst dating advice ever and ‘not put all our eggs in one basket’.
This is hands down, the worst dating advice in the world if you are looking for a connected, intimate, loving monogamous relationship, and here is why:
To create intimate connection, we need to reveal our true selves and be vulnerable. We need to put our hearts on the line, both on and offline. People feel your level of trustworthiness energetically before they become consciously aware of it, and this includes online.
So how do we overcome scarcity mindset and complacency when we use dating apps?
I have turned off notifications, and (try) to only check once a day for a set period of time. The temptation to check is REAL though. Remember: human beings are hardwired for connection! And these apps are specifically designed to get you addicted. So be kind to yourself, and resume adherence to your agreement.
When I do make time for swiping and replying to messages, I make myself a cup of tea, take a couple of deep breaths and feel into my body. If I feel tight or anxious, put on a great dance track, move mu hips in slow circles and connect to my sexuality. This definitely gets me in the right mood!
While I swipe and reply to messages, I tune into my body when I looking at their profile, and notice what comes up.
Where do I feel the attraction in my body?
Is it purely sexual, or is it more than that?
Do I feel a warmth is there?
What is it that I like about them?
The root cause of complacency in this situation is fear of deep connection and love. If you notice that you start to judge potential partners, ask yourself “why aren’t they good enough for me?” or
“why am I not good enough for them?” Self-inquiry, through journalling or simply running the story in your head is essential for understanding what is blocking you from finding love. The answers may surprise you.
I have known for a while now that I tend to attract, and be attracted to, men who are unavailable. So the more someone keeps me waiting, the more appealing they seem to me. When I notice these feelings around unavailability, scarcity mindset or complacency come up, I pause and feel. Sometimes, I am able to laugh at myself, but other times, I try to surrender to the feeling - sadness or grief, frustration or anger - all of it is relevant when we put ourselves out there.
I used to beat myself up for being attracted to unavailable men, telling myself I had done this enough times, asking “when am I going to find a partner thats available?” And I would let this stop me from going on dates.
While I am all for taking the space to discover what we truely want in a relationship, eventually, we must take the steps to put this into action. If you are ready to meet someone, keep surrendering to the longing, to the sadness in your heart, to the feelings of loneliness. This is not a weakness, but sign your heart is open, and that you are ready for this person to come into your life.
Wherever you are at, know that you are loveable, and perfect exactly as you are, right now.