Three questions to ask if you are looking for a relationship

We are often quick to rattle off what we desire in a partner or a relationship. But rarely do we stop to think what a relationship means to us, or even what the purpose of this relationship is. Most, if not all people, are looking for love and connection. But believing that monogamy is the only 'legitimate' relationship can be constricting, forcing many of us to try and fit into a mould of relationship which doesn't suit us, or creating endless unspoken expectations on our partners and lovers to be something which they had no idea you wanted them to be.

The possibilities of relationships available to us now is seemingly endless, as is the diversity of our life situations. Before you answer the following questions, sit down in stillness and breathe, even if it is for a couple of minutes, tune into your heart, and ask yourself:

What is the primary purpose of the relationship I am seeking?

Is it travel?


To raise children together?

Is it about exploring sexuality and pleasure?

Every relationship swings between these modalities at different stages of our lives. The important thing is that both people are on the same page with what the purpose of the relationship is.

The trajectory of my last relationship was heading in towards a mortgage, marriage and kids, which after this year I'm not sure I even want. I was forcing myself into a role which I thought was what I should want, but wasn't in alignment with who I was becoming.

What qualities does this partner have?

Now that you have defined what the primary purpose of your relationship is, what qualities are necessary to create the relationship you want, and which ones are preferences?

We all want someone who has the 'whole package' but no one is perfect. Most people want a partner who is kind, generous, loyal and honest. But what else? If you are looking for a travel companion, then flexibility, open mindedness, intelligent, independent might also be on the list. Write down the top 10 qualities you desire in a relationship (loyalty, companionship, honesty, integrity, kindness).

Who do I need to be in order to attract or create this kind of relationship?

The law of attraction supposes that we create our reality through our thoughts, and the action that follows these thoughts. When we continuously search for particular qualities, either consciously or unconsciously, in our partners often we are looking externally for something that we don’t see existing in ourselves. By failing to also embody these qualities we most desire, we continue to attract whatever it is we embody.

Look at your list from above again, and think back to your past relationships. Where did you embodying these qualities, and where could you have improved?

If it is something you need from a relationship, look at where you can start to meet these needs in the other relationships in your life. For example, a common need people miss in intimate relationships is physical connection. So go visit a friend, or ask a family member you trust for a massage or a hug. 

When you can start to get your needs met outside of a relationship, you come into a relationship from a place of fullness, rather than a place of lack.